A peek inside anxiety….I offer a vulnerable experience…..I have many.

Bermuda Or Bust…..

…and by “bust” I mean myself exploding at even the thought of traveling. Let me create an image for you to assist in visualizing my comfort zone…because right about now if you are an eager traveler and a go with the flow type of person, it is close to impossible for you to imagine anything other than “jumping on a plane” and going to a tropical destination for a special celebration.

Important to know: I’m an inside kitty! I like cozy, predictable, comfortable and yes able to control situations…and a BIG contributor to being this adorable and at times cranky inside kitty is Anxiety. [Quick side note: for years I called it “MY anxiety” and then I realized that “MY” claims it too much as if something I want, so I have rephrased it to “the” anxiety holds me back or a favorite “anxiety is my bitch!”]

There was a time when anxiety kept me frozen and NOT able to function and certainly not able to enjoy life. Fast forward 15 years and I am embracing and participating in life with flexible perimeters, expanding my comfort zones and empowering others…... along with, my still always learning. I like to say “ I have gone from crippled to vertical and enjoying vertical so much more.

So back to Bermuda or Bust….in 1989 my now husband and I married and traveled only 70 miles by car to Cape Cod for our honeymoon, because there was no way I could plan or even think about going anywhere further and certainly not by plane as my throat closed up, the smell of ammonia filled my nostrils and my heart raced at even the thought. See how that is one long run on sentence because the anxiousness creeps in just reliving it to tell you.

A few weeks before the wedding, I assured my oh so understanding husband to be that “on our 25th anniversary we’ll go to Bermuda”. Through the anxious thoughts I took comfort in knowing it was soooo far away. Besides I had more immediate stressors to deal with…we were planning a wedding in 9 weeks.

By making the “on our 25th” statement, I basically eased the moment internally and made a promise for the future. Anyone who suffers from panic and anxiety may be able to identify the “promise making crutch” that some of us utilize when trying to survive a panic attack and want to live through it. So yup that’s what I did “we’ll go to Bermuda for our 25th” .

I let it slip my mind….until around year 23 when I realized 25 was quickly approaching.

It was a different time now in my mind. I wanted to figure out how I could make this monumental (to me) trip happen. My husband had never mentioned it again and was navigating the anxious years with me, so I figured, in his mind going to Bermuda was not an option. I really wanted this ~ for him, for me, for us!

I turned to a couple of friends I felt I could be vulnerable with and expressed my limitation and implemented a team Bermuda plan. We did the leg work exploring “easiest” details to expedite this venture, bunch of envisioning my self there in a visual exposure kind of way and created steps to make it happen. When feeling confident, I made the announcement to my DH. This was happening! In 2014 we bought the airline tickets, made the hotel accommodations and delighted that this would finally be happening…our honeymoon away!

Now it was the night before leaving….we went to bed excited and eager….wait for it…I woke in the dark when the alarm went off, rolled over and whispered to my dear husband….“I can’t go”!! The room was spinning, my throat was closing and my ears were buzzing. My body had been ramping up for a full blown panic attack WHILE I WAS SLEEPING!

Not being his first rodeo with navigating panic with me, he calmly said “why don’t you go take a cool shower.” I learned later, that while I was in the shower, he loaded the car with our luggage. He was confident or at least oh so hopeful. He knew he had to remove the obstacle of my feeling that I had no choice…all self imposed on my part.

The shower calmed me slightly. He suggested “how about we take a ride to the airport to see how that feels?” While he showered, I sat outdoors on the back step, blew bubbles from a plastic wand and as I watched them drift away, repeated “I will let this fear go”. I wanted to go!! I wanted to conquer this dread.

He emerged from the house and I let him know we were doing this! We headed out to the airport. My heart and mind continued to race, I was clammy, light headed and non verbal…….AND determined to get there. The car ride to the airport felt difficult and really long, have I mentioned at that time in my life I avoided highways as a driver or passenger, because that too produced sheer panic.

We arrived at the ticket check in counter and I’m literally in tears as we are cheerfully greeted by the airline representative. She asks if I’m ok, I whimper a YES that apparently wasn’t convincing enough because her next question was “are you going on your own free will”?

As I mustered up a more confident yes, a supervisor aware of my less than zealous demeanor for going to a beautiful location, walks over and asks in a very pleasant voice “everything ok here”? I explained yes and that anxiety was making it challenging. The supervisor quickly offered “comforting” words and said she would reach out to the flight crew to “let them know I was coming” and without missing a beat the first person who was checking us in said “oh I already have” in a voice that let me know that they were following some type of protocol for troubled flyers and I must have a large flag on my head. Ugh!

After mastering check in I popped a doctor prescribed pill I had in my pocket and we walked…. ever so reluctantly - correction I was reluctant…… onto the inside tunnel of sorts that gets you onto the plane. I recall walking 10 steps behind Mark as I made my way rolling my carry on. He periodically looked over his shoulder to which I repeatedly responded “I’m still here” knowing he was checking if I had bolted.

We were welcomed onto what I considered….“the point of no return” by very jovial attendants who said they “were expecting us” and would lead us to our seats. I remember seeing faces of passengers already seated and knowing my tears confused them or it was their frustration because I waited until FINAL, FINAL, NO REALLY, FINAL CALL TO BOARD…I was who everyone was waiting for. More dread.

As I proceeded down the aisle I felt a release of the fight or flight panic, I welcomed the results of the “take the edge off” pill and the envisioning and breathing practices I had worked on…oh and humming to distract myself and send messages to my brain that I can do this! I slid into my seat, held on to my husband’s hand for dear life and prepared for take off!

As I “settled in” I still felt frightened though it had eased ever so slightly, I was able to release the dread and I could recognize a sense of accomplishment…because I wasn’t still at home! that to me signified success. Though it didn’t look pretty I had gotten myself on the plane - with understandably the love and support of my dear husband, Mark.

The trip had a lot of beautiful moments where I needed to pinch myself to know it was really me in Bermuda, experiencing this and at the same time scary to me moments too. Both can be true!

The first day we set off to explore the island, we found this stunning beach with not another soul in sight. It was our paradise, our 25th and the spot for my signature kiss. I knew I had arrived!

Dear Readers, if you have read this far, I thank you and hope you found either insight, comfort/validation in knowing you are not alone or perhaps understanding into the struggles of a loved one or even a tip or two how to ease stressful moments.

Anxiety looks different on different people. As we keep our hearts and minds open, for both ourselves and other’s journey, together we will grow and spread our wings.

Resources available to guide and ease the path…Let’s Connect

….and remember…Be Kind To Your Awesome Self Today!

Best Always,

Maria